The Owls Are Not What They Seem (an open letter to Milla Jovovich

Dear Milla,

I'm not sure how many more chances I can give you, honestly. You never fail to disappoint me with your films, yet I can't deny that I think I've seen every one that you've put out. I can't even really name a good one you've ever made. Maybe The Fifth Element, but the rest have been bombs. Badda big boom, you know?

When I took my lady friend to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, they gave us both free passes to see your new film, The Fourth Kind, which we did, tonight! You would've been pleased by the turn out.

You would've been less than pleased, I imagine, by some of the laughing during the film. Your new thriller was thrilling, sure, but honestly, it was a bit much at times.

You guys were so concerned with convincing us the film was based on true events that the movie suffered for it. Did you think we'd forgive poor performances if they were dramatizations of "real events", as opposed to poorly acted out dramatizations of scripted events? Did you think your acting would shine when compared to the "actual footage" presented as proof of the veracity of the film's background? Oh, by the way, that "actual footage" was ridiculous. Just pass the word along, it was garbage. I will admit that it was better than the "real" footage most films present, but it was still just too fake. I could elaborate on this, mostly by explaining how the distortion in the video that you all added to make the footage seem more real actually made it obviously fake, but I don't want to get on your case about this too much, as I can't imagine that you, personally, had much to do with it.

Can I just say that you are the least convincing character with a doctoral degree since Tara Reid's turn as an archaelogist in Alone in the Dark. I would worry about offending you with this, but you know I will keep seeing your movies. Though I'm not sure why. I think the fact that I could even make that comparison proves I won't judge you for what can be objectively described as cinematic atrocities. I just wish you would make a good movie or two. I mean, for every Ghost Rider, Nicolas Cage delivers a Leaving Las Vegas.

Consider this a Close Encounter of the Fifth Kind, which is classified as a gentle prodding to stop appearing in stupid movies. I'll be the owl outside your window, cooing as you consider doing a film that will get you out of this funk you've called your career so far.

Hypnotically yours,

Josh